sometimes I get these mini-rage attacks and my hands start trembling and i’m shaking my entire body’s shaking in fury and i want to punch in every window i see and flip the tables and im picturing it in m,y mind, im going crazy and i whip out the penknife i always carry on me and fucking wave it around threatenign to harm the people around me but secretly i wont i just love it i feed of f the fear in their eyes andi t empowers me in the sickest imaginable way

but then i snap back to reality and it all builds up inside of me, the hurt the pain the sadness and i struggle to calm myself downn  but i’m still shivering inside i feel the coldness in my heart i feel it physically sometimes i double over and throw up and at times it gets so bad i literally cant’ fucking bvreathe and im scared shitless

and then i reassure myself like i always do i have to appreciate the hurt and the pain and the fucking unbearable sadness because it reminds me as it always has that nothing in the universe is ever truly worth fighting for no matter how hard i try to convince myself otherwise

and if im lucky enough i black out right after